Twilight Conversations
by Daddy's Little Cannibal
Summary: Originally a one-shot known as Emmett's Gift. Now a collection of one-shots with conversations that make people smile. None of the one-shots are connected with each other.
1. Emmett's Gift

**A/N:** This was actually a personal challenge. I had to write a page long one-shot about Emmett doing something for Bella's wedding. So I came up with this. I think it's hysterical but that's just me.

**Summary:** Emmett gives Bella a present before the wedding. A very short one-shot filled with humor.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Twilight_.

**Emmett's Gift**

I took a deep breath as I avoided looking myself in the mirror. Alice was going to get more hairspray and Renee was currently in the changing in the bathroom. I started pacing the room as I continued to avoid my reflection. It's not that I was worried about how I looked, I trusted Alice, but I didn't want to keep reminding myself that this was my wedding day. I was getting married in less than two hours. I sat on a chair and buried my face into my hands. This was too much.

Someone knocked on the door. I lifted my head from my hands and frowned. "Come in!" I yelled at the wooden door. The doorknob turned as the person behind the door pushed it open, revealing himself. Emmett walked into the room. I frowned at him. It's not that I don't like Emmett. I just wasn't sure why he was here.

"You look beautiful," Emmett's eyes widened when he was fully into the room.

"Thanks Emmett." I smiled at him as I pulled myself off of the chair. "Let me guess, Edward sent you here to spy on me."

Emmett shook his head. "No I wanted to give you something."

I frowned. "You don't have to give me anything."

"You'll need this for later." Emmett told me as he pulled out a wooden box from his tuxedo jacket pocket and handed it to me.

I frowned at it but wasted no time pulling the lid open. Nothing was in it but a key. I looked up at Emmett and frowned. "You bought me a car?" I asked, not able to come up with a better explanation for the key.

Emmett shook his head. "No, it's the key to Edward's chastity belt."

I couldn't stop myself from laughing. My face became red as I started to giggle uncontrollably. I handed the box back to Emmett so I wouldn't drop it. I was laughing so hard that I was having a hard time standing up. My hands were covering my mouth as the image of Edward in a chastity belt came to mind.

"Thanks Emmett," I finally choked out through a fit of giggles. Emmett smiled wrapped his huge arms around me. I hugged him back, grateful that someone could get my mind off the wedding, if it was only for a little bit.

"I thought you might like that." Emmett smiled at me when he pulled away.

"It explains so much." I smiled back at him.

Emmett laughed along with me before handing me the box again. "You can keep the box but I need the key," He grabbed the key from the opened box. "I stole it from some kid's bike chain and I think he'll need it back."

I rolled my eyes before setting the wooden box back onto the chair I was just sitting on. "Hey Emmett," I decided that this joke wasn't over with yet. "Why do you have the key to Edward's chastity belt in the first place?" I raised an eyebrow.

Emmett smiled. "I'll tell you when you get older." He patted my shoulder before walking out of the room.

**End.**

**A/N:** It was a personal contest and I like it. It's barely less than a page and under a 1000 words. I did well with this one-shot. It was a personal contest someone gave me and I did it. Tell me what you think.

Daddy's Little Cannibal


	2. Emmett's Theory

**A/N:** So the first chapter was supposed to be the only story I wrote that involved this. But than I realized I have some really funny lines that I can't use in my stories, so I made a little series of one-shots with funny lines that Twilight characters will never have with each other, but it still amuses us. I hope you enjoy. :)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Twilight_.

**This is the first and only time, that Bella is going to get pregnant in **_**any**_** of my stories and only because this is a parody!**

**Emmett's Theory**

"Edward," I forced my eyes away from the strip that I had just peed on. "I'm pregnant."

Edward's eyes widened and I was pretty sure if vampires could faint, he would have. We had just become sexually active and due to the fact that he was dead, we didn't bother to take the necessary precautions other couples might use to protect themselves from this situation.

"How could this happen?" He shook his head.

"You were there!" I screamed at him. "You tell me."

Edward frowned. "I knew I should have listened to Emmett when he told us his theory."

"Emmett was right." I looked at Edward and frowned. "We can't let him find out about this." I shook my head.

"We'll say that you cheated on me."

"Yeah," I nodded. "I cheated on you."

"Emmett was right." Edward shook his head in amazement. "Vampires really can make humans pregnant by using warming gel."

**End.**

**A/N:** I fell over laughing when this idea came to my head. In my story S&V Emmett told Bella his theory about warming gel getting humans pregnant and so this was kind of taken from that idea. It's not funny unless you've read _Sex and Vampires_. No Emmett in this one, but whatever. I still think it's funny. This will be updated with just random burst of great ideas, so don't (or maybe do) expect fast updates for this story.

Daddy's Little Cannibal


	3. Irrational Fears

**A/N:** So I think this is funny. You might not. I don't know, I guess it's just the irony that's funny…

**Disclaimer:** I don' town _Twilight_.

**Irrational Fears**

"Hello Renee," Alice opened the door for Renee. I smiled at her before joining Alice in giving her a tight hug. My mom was over to help Alice pick out wedding things. Edward and I were here to monitor things. My mom and Alice, though they do like each other, had a tendency to rip out each other's throats when they're together talking about the wedding.

"Bella," Renee said my name in disapproval. "You're so pale." She grabbed my arm and held it against her tan arm

"Well there's not much sun here." I mumbled pulling my arm away.

"You're a like a vampire," Renee giggled. I stiffened in shock and glanced at Edward and Alice. Alice was giggling along with Renee and Edward was chuckling next to me.

"A vampire Renee?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow.

Renee nodded before smiling. "When Bella was little," She wrapped her tan arm around me and pushed me closer to her chest. "She used to a very irrational fear of vampires sneaking into her room in the middle of the night."

My eyes widened and my mouth tightened. "Mom," I choked out. "I'm pretty sure Alice and Edward don't want to hear this."

"No," Alice jumped in. "I would love to hear this." She couldn't hide the amusement in her voice.

"Every night before Bella went to bed, she used to stuff garlic in pajama pants, lock all her windows, and sleep with a sharpened stick that a friend of hers made in shop class." Renee continued to embarrass me as she rubbed my arm.

"I don't think it was an irrational fear." I mumbled to myself.

"Bella," Renee pulled me away from her chest. "You had a fear of a vampire sneaking into your room in the middle of the night." She didn't have to say anything else. To a normal person that was a very irrational fear.

"You know what Renee," Edward took Renee's place and pushed me closer to his chest. "I have to agree with Bella. She has every right to worry about a vampire sneaking into her room in the middle of the night." Edward gave me his famous crooked smile before following Renee and Alice into the TV room.

"She has every right to worry about a vampire sneaking into her room in the middle of the night." I mimicked under my breath. "Of course I have to worry about a vampire sneaking into my room in the middle of the night. You _are_ a vampire."

**End.**

**A/N:** So you know, none of these chapters are connected. They're just random one-shots that I think are cute. I thought this was amusing. Not really funny as much as amusing. It's a little funny. :D

Daddy's Little Cannibal


	4. Smells

**A/N:** I have the weirdest sense of humor…this was inspired by _Breaking Dawn_ but it's not really a spoiler. **Bella is a vampire** in this one-shot.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Twilight_.

**Smells**

"You smell awful Jake," I wrinkled my nose. "Have you tried taking a shower? Maybe bathe in perfume."

Light laughs were coming from Alice and Edward. When I was human Jacob smelled nice. Now that I'm a vampire it was completely different. It was like being stuck in a car with someone that had just eaten a bowl of beans.

"Seriously Jake," I didn't let the subject drop. "It's like smelling melted molded cheese stuck in the bottom of a gym bag filled with sweaty used gym socks and sour eggs." I put my hand over my nose so he would get the idea that he really smelled.

"I get it Bella," Jake snapped at me. "I smell. You can drop the subject now." He put his arms over his chest and grimaced silently at the TV screen.

"Did I mention that the sour eggs were somehow cracked open when the owner of the gym bag threw his bag against the wall because-"

"I get it Bella," Jake threw his arms in the air and jumped off the couch. "You don't smell that great either." He snapped back at me before stalking up stairs, hopefully to take a shower.

"Then after he threw the gym bag against the wall it kind of just stood in the sun for a little while so it all started to heat up and melt together." I continued to describe the smell that was coming from Jacob.

"Shut up Bella!" Jake slammed the door shut.

**End.**

**A/N:** I thought it was funny. I've been going crazy with writing lately. Now that _Breaking Dawn_ is over with I don't want to give up on the characters. I miss them. **Please don't talk about **_**Breaking Dawn**_** in my reviews.** One it gives away spoilers (people actually do read reviews) and second I'm so tired of talking about that book. I know that it's like a huge shocker and you want someone to talk to but please don't talk about it with me. I did it read and that's all I'm saying.

Daddy's Little Cannibal


	5. Joke

**A/N:** Okay, this is like my new favorite one-shot, just because it is so funny. Seriously, it's **not** even a one-shot it's a joke that I made up. I know, how corny am I? But I couldn't figure how to make it into a one-shot. Better yet, I didn't want to write a one-shot with it. I mean, I already wrote _Look Alike_, which is basically what this is, but only in story form. But anyways, this is a **JOKE** that I came up with. I call dibs on this joke.

**I call rights on this joke, I swear, I totally came up with it!**

**JOKE :)**

When Edward was asked what his favorite human memory was, he replied with "winning the Triwizard Tournament."

**End Joke.**

**A/N:** I love it! I totally came up with that! I wanted to make it into a one-shot but I was totally too lazy to do it. So I decided to post it up as a joke. If you don't get it, Robert Pattison (Edward Cullen) plays Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and if you remember, Cedric technically did win the Triwizard Tournament! So, yeah, a funny joke to make your day. :)

Daddy's Little Cannibal


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